And I Run

I run for one reason and one reason only, because I can, finally. I vividly remember running the mile in gym class, three laps around the field. I would always come in last. Though, in thinking now, perhaps I didn't, perhaps that is all in my mind. I ran a 5k this past summer and thought for sure I had come in dead last, only recently did I stumble upon the results of the race, googling my name of all things. What I found out amazed and thrilled me, I hadn't come in last after all, I actually had come in fifteen minutes before the last runners, I could have run another mile while they finished. Of course I had to feel even better though, so I broke the results down further and learned that I was in the top 100 of my age group. For someone, who had barely trained before running this, who thought she couldn't run, this was amazing.

Perhaps this messed up reasoning comes from soccer. You see I tried out for my high school's soccer team the summer before I would start my freshman year. I distinctly remember girls cheering me on as I huffed out the last few yards. I was pissed off, embaressed, frustrated. I never played soccer again(another lie for another time). That frustration has always stayed with me, that feeling that I can't. But, as I train for more 5k's to come, I am realizing that I can. Last Friday I ran for twenty minutes straight, during my 5k I ran the first mile without stopping. It is these little milestones I am trying to remember. These memories are becoming little children in my head, playing on the playground with the other running memories, and they are fighting. "We can't run!" one child yells as the other one replies, "Oh yeah? Watch us!"

I am on my sixth week of a nine week training session, and let me tell you I both dread and love it all at the same time. I look forward to a run like a young child looks forward to the dentist. But, like a child, I know that when I hop out of the dentists chair, when I finish my run, there will be a reward waiting for me, perhaps a glow-in-the-dark ring or that sweat drenched feeling that means I have accomplished something. And maybe that is it. The older I get, the more I realize, how much accomplishments drive me. My day is not whole if I have not accomplished something. The sad part though, is that there are few accomplishments that really mean something in my mind. For now, running seems to be one of them.

There was no one there cheering me on at the last 5k I ran, no, that is wrong. There were, there were hundreds of people, and you know what, it didn't feel like those soccer girls cheering me on, it felt a little good, perhaps because I knew I had accomplished something. No family members, no friends came to watch as I ran, no one was there to pat me on the back and tell me what a great job I had done. But that won't be true about my next run. I have already planned one, and perhaps two, more 5k's for myself before the year is up. The week of Thanksgiving is my last week of training. I think I would like to run a 5k that weekend to give myself a pat on the back, a "look how far you've come". The other 5k means so much more.

My birthday falls in the first week of December, the day before my grandmothers, and incidentally, the day before a "friends" wedding. This woman and I chummed around with the same people during some of middle school and all of high school. We'd often attend the same parties, sit together at events, so perhaps you can call us friends, though really we are more of what I like to call friendly aquaintances. You know those people your friends are friends with, that you see often but don't really know? Though, she and I went to church together and so spent time outside of our friends together, going to CCD, being confirmed. Though for whatever reason our personalities have never really meshed well, it has become more apparent as we have gotten older. She has moved to California and we have not kept in touch, though I haven't exactly been great at keeping in touch with anyone of my friends that live out of state. Perhaps though, I finally knew the ties that bound us were severed at a close friends wedding. We didn't speak, not a single word to each other, though this was made easier by the fact that she was in the wedding party and I was not. There was no reason for my not speaking to her, I just felt no need. Perhaps that is why she feels no need to invite me to her wedding, which I am both bothered and happy with. Two of my good friends are both in the wedding, so hearing about it happens, quite often. And so, to change the feel of the day for myself, I have decided I will run, to celebrate my birthday, my last 5k of the year will be on her wedding day. It works out quite well really, initially I was frustrated, no longer would I be able to celebrate my birthday the way I should be able to, most of my close friends will be at her wedding, and it wouldn't feel right without them there. Luckily for me though, my boyfriends birthday falls that next week, and so, we will celebrate, together the next weekend.

And so, now looking ahead to that date, I am no longer frustrated, no longer annoyed, I am pleased, and can't wait. I did a bit of research and came across two different 5k's on that day. One, is something that is held every weekend, more of a way to practice perhaps. The other is something I enjoy more, a benefit. My first 5k benefited ALS, that meant a lot to me. Every since I was young I have held Lou Gehrig in the highest esteem, even though I am from Boston. So, on that fateful day, as I drove and listened to the radio I knew I had found my first 5k when they mentioned it was being held in memory of Sharon Timlin who died of ALS. This one holds quite a bit of meaning for me as well. It is for the special olympics. While in high school I participated in the Best Buddies program, I was paired up with a special need girl that went to my school and we would hang out, talk on the phone, all those things high school girls did. Later on, while in college, I spent my summers nannying for a special needs child whom I grew very close to. I can't wait for this race. I am excited to see how well I do, how improved I have gotten, how cold it will perhaps be. We shall see.